Recently billionaire businessman Elon Musk confirmed his plans to build the world's largest battery in South Australia within 100 days. Today Mr Musk also revealed his plans to end worldwide hunger in just 30 days by making the world's biggest peanut butter sandwich to feed the hundreds of millions of starving poor.
“We started out with a plan to build a giant BLT, but well you know those Muslims and hipsters are picky. Some of the team were pushing for an organic kale and mushroom pinenut pesto kinda deal but well - it was fuckin' disgusting. Our people finally settled on peanut butter - but on wholemeal 'cause like you know what happened to Elvis”.
Mr Musk also revealed his plan to end homeless today – the erection of the world's biggest yurt. Measuring 1.2 billion square metres the giant Mongolian tent would provide shelter for the entire worlds homeless population and even their pets. South Australia has been chosen as the perfect site to erect the yurt as it is mostly wide open desert and most of the population have fled, unable to pay their power bills.
“We chose the yurt design because as the climate changes the homeless will be able to pick it up and move it away from floods or droughts or mutants or whatever. And if it's good enough for Ghengis Khan its good enough for me.”
Elon's original proposal was to move the homeless to Mars on Space-X but “they didn't want to go somewhere bleaker than Adelaide, but indicated they would take Mars over Melbourne any day of the week”.
However Mr Musk's eye is always on the future with plans to integrate the giant yurt with his new weapon to combat global warming – the world's biggest air-conditioner.
“The problem with air-cons as a global cooling solution is that while they push cold air out the front of the device, hot air comes out the back. I wanted to ship the hot air to Mars to shut the homeless up but that would need a balloon the size of Ganymede and well that's just fuckin' silly. The team was about to give up when I said hey - lets just point the front end at the desert and set up the yurt at the back! No more desert, no more freezing, whinging homeless hipsters”.
“It is that forward integration of complex systems and clarity of vision that has made me the billionaire I am today. Just today I solved the how do-we-toast-the-giant-sandwich problem without building the world's biggest toaster and another fuck-off huge battery to run the thing. Get this – you put the sandwich under the Space-X rocket before the Mars launch! Ok so it's only toasted on one side but what the fuck dude – it's my nickel.”
South Australian Premier Jay Weatherill welcomed everything Musk had to say as he was very keen to build something in South Australia – even a tent. However as the 100 day deadline looms, he did admit to nerves regarding the giant battery as his state currently “doesn't generate enough power to charge my iPhone”.
Greens Senator Sarah Hanson-Young tweeted “Happy now Elaine Musk is saving the world – so sick of rich white men telling us what to do!!”